THE HOW VERY ODD NEWS, WEVVA, AND SPORT!


HOW VERY ODD IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE NEWS THAT REALLY MATTERS.

CAROLINE CAROLINESON

THE NEWS, WITH CAROLINE CAROLINESON.

A seven-feet tall monkey has this week been elected mayor of Hartlepool.
Seriously, no shit. It's true. Details to come...

There is panic buying in Sweden today as the price of Swedes
has risen to its highest level since the ABBA crisis of 1982.
Swedish president Roland Swedessenssen said: "Mmmmm, swedes."

Tony Blair visits Guyana.

Shed manufacturers are enraged by claims that horses haven't got
the memory span to cope with immitating the breeding patterns of crabs.
This is set to lead to a rift between Viking enthusiasts and France.

A new survey has revealed that 90% of old people are older than young people.
The remaining 10% are believed to be dead.

Newly emerging news suggests that newness is no newer than a newly
made batch of the news.



PROFESSOR MICHAEL TROUT'S EXPERT WEVVA FORECAST.

'Weather' you're planning a Barbecue, a Sharabang trip to Margate, a rain festival, or a Winter Olympics, you're gonna need to know what the weather's up to. Look no further than weather expert Prof. Michael Trout. Here, Prof Trout gives the lowdown on up-and-coming climatic upheaval.
This forecast is guarenteed.*

*Not a guarentee.

Michael Trout

Prof Trout sez:

Tomorrow will be muggy, followed by
tuggy, weggy, thuggy, friggy, saggy,
with a 98% chance of suggy.

The breeze in the south will go west,
whereas the wind'll dwindle.

It'll always rain on you, but that'll teach
you not to lie when you're 17 won't it.

Everywhere you go, you'll always take the wevva.



SPORT, WITH WALTER O'BUGGAMEY.

Walter O'Buggamey

There's joyous scenes in washington today as George W Bush
follows in his old man's footsteps by cruising to victory
in the Head of State World Championships.
The bombing campaign in Afghanistan set Bush up nicely, and
he followed it up with a brutal finishing move by protecting US steel jobs.
Runner up Leonart Merrie of Estonia said: "At least we've got the Eurovision."

EEEE-AWWWWW

DONKEY RACING: Yesterdays Albanian Grand Prix was won by Dobbin, who
takes an early 6 point lead in the title-race. There was anger in the
pits though as runner-up Rosey accused 6th-placed Lee of chewing her hay
during a hay stop. The claim is being investigated.

U_G_L_Y u aint got no alabi.

GURNING: Sid Gurner from Guernsey stays on top of the Premiership
with the winning gurn showed above.

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