John Lemmon sez:
"Imagine there's no blenders,
No peaches in a can,
No fruit juice, jam, or Yoghurt,
No more fruit killed by man"
"Save the fruit and veg, man, all we are sayin is give
peas a chance"
Alan the offensive Corkscrew sez: "Screw you and ya
muvva"
Dr Lance Yaboilz's Guide To Alternative Illnesses
The Doctor sez: "Here is my guide to those crippling
ailments most Doctors prefer to sweep under the carpet,
and most Ambulance crews refuse to treat. Never fear,
Dr Lance knows your pain."
Ice-Cream Eye.
Symptoms: Searing, stabbing head pain isolated behind
one eye.
Causes: Swallowing too much Ice-ceam at once; Drinking
squash straight from the fridge.
Time when vulnerable: June 4th-September 8th.
The Doctor sez: "This terrible condition is the beign
of summertime. Can turn the most light-hearted
Ice-cream party into a living hell. Take small gulps
of Ice-cream, and leave squash to cool for 2 mins."
Cheese Brain.
Symtoms: Dizziness; Migraine; Loss of will to live;
Impaired vision; Loss of appetite for cheese; Surreal
Nightmares.
Causes: Over-eating of cheese. Strength of cheese
differs from cheese-eater to cheese-eater.
Time when vulnerable: All year round; Nightmares when
eaten just before bed time.
The Doctor sez: "When a cheese-lover is struck down
with this horrendous disability, known as 'The French
Plague', it can ruin their life forever. Some poor
souls can't even handle a single mini-baby-bell.
Avoid cheese and doing complicated sums."
Sweet Sickness
Symptoms: Sickness/Vomiting; Sweets packing lungs
and ears; An insane need for more sweets; Inability
to swallow any more sweets.
Causes: A child-like compulsion to eat every single
sweet in the wrapper/box/tube; Boredom with christmas
presents; The novelty and excitement of
trick-or-treating.
Times when vulnerable: December 25th/October 31st.
The Doctor sez: It is impossible to resist diving in
when the 20 ounce tin of Cadburys Roses is opened on
xmas day, or your neighbour gives you a family bag of
Maltesers to 'share' with your friends on Hallowe'en.
This is an addiction that can be cured in time. Get
xmas presents that will distract you from the sweets.
On Hallowe'en night wear a sign around your neck
saying "No matter how much I beg or egg you, do not
give me any sweets."
Tooth Freeze
Symptoms: Horrific pain in front teeth; Compulsion to
grab your lower jaw.
Causes: Biting into Ice-cream with front teeth.
Times when vulnerable: June 4th-September 8th.
The Doctor sez: "Along with Ice-cream eye (above),
this can ruin any summertime treat. Shame on Mars for
the Ice-cream Mars bar, the front-teeth torturer. Use
your lips to bite ice-cream. DO NOT touch Ice-cream
Mars bars."
The Doctors final word: "All these conditios are
Hellish. Take heed of my advice and you should be OK.
Do not hesitate however to 'phone for an ambulance or
demand to be airlifted to hospital. Yes, the health
authority will not like it, but then we'll see what the
European Court of Human Rights has to say."
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Dr Phil O' Sofer is this websites resident eccentric
genius. Some people believe the rumours, gossip, and
official hospital documents which say he is mad.
I, however, think there is more to his theories than
meets the liver. Dr Phil O' Sofer sez: "When I was in
the residential treatment centre, Michael Aspel came to
me in a dream and told me the Earth IS flat. Einstein
woz wrong, in fact E=BpxC+78.
I have built a time machine but 'they' took it away,
but not before I woz able to confirm that the future
is both bright AND orange, as the prophets
prophitificated.
I have conducted several experiments on tramps who
'volunteered' for me, and I have proved beyond doubt
that tramps cant handle their Radium-Magnesium-Water
solution."
Take heed non-believers. More from Phil's lab as
it happens.
Nobby Duncley's Bit.
Nobby is 24, but he's still in Junior School because
he's a bit thick. He's not mentally challenged before
you get offended, he's just thick thats all.
Nobby's Maths:-
26+0=4 8-7=7 78x67= 'Help!!!'
Nobbys Poetry:-
Here I sit in a dunces cap,
Tippedy tippedy tippedy tap,
On the table I see an Orange,
'Help!!!'
Nobbys big questions:-
Why is my grandad older than me?
Where do babies come from?
Where do stalks come from then?
Whats the Capital of Champagne?
Why is my cat a cat?
Pongo Sez: "Burn things! Burn everythin' kidz, burn
insects with a magnifying glass, do it for Pongo"
Scaffholding the Parrott sez:
"My name is Scaffholding. I woz kicked out of
Lemington Spa coz I woz alwayz spitting and swearing.
I tickle myself and laugh til I'm sick as a human."
Barry the Uruguayan snake charmer sez:
"I went into snake charming coz I thought, 'if I can
charm snakes then I can charm the Ladies'. Take heed
young 'uns, it doesnt work. I'm 102 and all I've got
to show for it is a crippling stomach ailment caused
by when a Cobra bit me on the forearm."
Armenian military chemist Ziggy sez:
"With a little bit o' this and a little bit o' that.
If it's wet drink it me old man used to say before he
lost his face for no reason. He-diddley-ho, to
hospital I go."
Ned 'I've-never-heard-of-computers' sez:
"Surely there's an easier way than this?"
John Skellington
John Skellington:
Bad to the Bone
"Don't mess with Skellington and Skellington won't
mess wiv you. Got it."
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